How to Untangle Work and Worth

In the United States where I reside - the second question we ask when we meet someone new → right after we ask for their name is, “So, what do you do?!”

And then we lay judgement based on the learnings. What does it mean if they’re a lawyer, a doctor, an executive assistant, a marketing director, a stay at home parent, in between roles looking for something now… our brains fill in the gaps - and not always kindly.

Because so much of our adults lives is dictated by our work, a lot of the work I do with senior professionals is learning how to untangle these ideas from each other.

Why is work and worth tangled in the first place?

See above re: second question we’re asked at any function. It’s what we default to. Or when we catch up with a friend, sibling, former colleague - “so, how’s work going?!” And then we barely listen to the response.

I could go on a rant about how this is a flaw in capitalism - when we are only defined by how we service society and our community, we become one note.

When work permeates all of our waking hours, suddenly there’s no space for any personality or humanity outside of working.

The downgrading of the idea of doing things “just for fun” without wanting to monetize, side-hustle or optimize.

Truly this is an American Dream. The idea that if you become an incredible worker, and keep climbing the corporate ladder, you’ll remain protected. If you just work hard, you’ll be rewarded. Suddenly our identity is our work. We don’t have enough time to do things outside of work, or to form deep bonds - we work and play with the same people. It makes sense - it’s why we choose majors in college - somewhere to focus. It’s why we’re excited to share title updates or new business cards with family and friends. It’s something to say, “hey, look at me! This is who I am!” And, for those of us with complicated boundaries - or workplaces that don’t respect them - if we’re working nonstop - and thinking about work nonstop, it’s hard to be a person outside of the work and family obligations.

Why is it worth untangling them?

The easiest way to explain this to those of you who may dislike what I’m sharing?

It’ll make you better at your job. Truly! Molly Graham talks about part of improving as leader isn’t about caring so much - it’s about caring less, and caring about the right things. When our work=worth, it’s hard to separate things out. I

When we untangle these things? First of all, it’s easier for us to emotionally regulate. It’s easier to prioritize because we’re not hooked in the drama. It’s easier to shut our computers and step away from the desk because we know that we can have a life outside of work. A life where we’ll get ideas and inspiration since our subconscious is still noodling on the work. It’s beneficial to receiving feedback and criticism - they’re not criticizing YOU, they’re criticizing the work product - which is something that is always worth improving.

And, it’ll make you better at human-ing. Think about the last party you went to. Did you have more fun with the person name-dropping and showing off how they’ve been striking gold at work? Or did you enjoy that weirdly deep discussion with that individual who is super into birds? It was bird guy. Bird guy has ideas!

Simply put - if we stop typing up our identity with our work we get to live a more well-rounded life, step away from the ever-growing ladder, and, we’ll perform better at work with a bit of self-distancing!

How can we untangle worth and work?

The mantra of I am not my work / my worth is not my work can help! Okay, but more seriously! It can be beneficial to “Gray rock” your work persona a bit. Noticing when you’re getting emotionally charged, and add some distancing:

• Will this matter 1 month from now? 1 year? 2 years?

• Who do I want to be in difficult moments at work?

• What values am I exhibiting?

• Can I step away for a moment to cool off and think before I act?

• Is this about my work, or myself?

Practicing asking ourselves these questions when we’re in the heat of work can help.

Another way is to build up who you are outside of work. Maybe you love going to trivia with friends. Hosting elaborate dinner parties. Reading the latest science fiction. Attending community events. Volunteering at your local animal shelter. Taking long walks in the woods near your house. (Want some more ideas around how to rest? Or how to develop gratitude? Or build habits?) Those can all help form you a bit more.

By building up your life outside of work, work can be a part of what you do - but not all of who you are.

Try it out!

Taking action on untangling worth and work

A couple ideas to put this into play:

1) Sign up for a class, workshop, activity that forces you to stop work and go do something else

2) Define clear boundaries and expectations on when/how you’re available, communicate them, and uphold them (easier said than done!)

3) Build your obituary. It’s morbid, but, no one’s tombstone should read: Here Lies Rikki who was a Fabulous Coach and Worked All the Time. Right?

4) Practice not tangling others worth-work. Instead of leading with “What do you do” or “How’s work?” …

Ask something else! What trips are they going on. What have they been reading lately? How have they been filling their time? What’s their next challenge they’re excited about? Etc. Etc. Etc.

Try it out. Let me know how it goes.

This is the type of work I do with my private clients. We’ve usually been conditioned from a young age, whether it was a parent, a partner, a mentor, an educator - to see our self-worth as our performance. But as we age and realize how much messier work is - how little control we have over reality, it becomes incredibly important to get clearer on what matters to US - not our company, not our LinkedIn, not our parents’ paths - and figure out how to honor that - even if it looks different than the norm.

Want to learn more? Check out my client stories.